Rainbow amongst the rain

 

TW: Missed Miscarriage/ Loss

There's always a rainbow after the rain.

That's what people always say after something bad or life-changing happens.

What they don't talk about is the in between

The anger, 

slivers of doubt 

shame 

Guilt

 sometimes relief

guilt for feeling relief.

Losing a baby is such a taboo thing to talk about, almost like if you talk about how you have had a miscarriage in the past, people are afraid that it will happen to them, as if it's a cold you can catch. 

What people don't talk about is that miscarriages are more common than we think, but we don't talk about them, so when they do happen, we feel alone in our grief. 

When we lost our baby late in 2024. I felt shame, relief, guilt, anger and this deep sense of like I deserved it. 

I remember crying in the emergency room, after the Dr. had told us that the pregnancy isn't viable, and that they had to double check and make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy proceeding painful ultrasounds, heavy bleeding, waiting hours on ends for some kind of answer, trying to keep hope while also knowing in my heart what was happening.

Because you don't want to believe that you are having one, that you are losing the baby that you have tried to create for years on end. All you've ever wanted was a family, a sense of belonging to something bigger than you, and you lose it. I felt like I was being punished, like I was meant to learn another hard, traumatic lesson because my life, in a lot of ways, has been filled with these "Lessons". 

 Grief doesn't make sense; it makes you isolate and feel alone. Like no one could possibly understand the insurmountable pain you are going through, the feeling of your heart being torn out and shredded into tiny pieces and put back. 

I felt empty, like a shell of the person I used to be. 

Looking back now, I felt so naive for thinking I could have a happy family and the happy ending I always wanted with my family. I still feel that way sometimes, even though now, I am more than halfway through my pregnancy with a beautiful baby. 

I feel guilty. After all, I can't always be present because I have this beautiful life inside of me that I created with the person I love most. That In August, we will have this little bundle here with us. My Rainbow Baby.

But sometimes the Rainbow takes a lot of rain, a lot of thunder, a lot of rage and guilt and anger.  We as women need to know that we are not alone in this struggle, that we can talk about our pain and express it and somehow turn our experiences into something better, or even just allow ourselves to feel them and to honor the life that we held in our womb at one point in time.

Even though I'm pregnant now and things are going relatively well, I still feel grief. I still have days when it's hard to breathe through the pain because of the loss. 

I still look in the mirror and don't recognize the person I've become in this past year. And to grasp the fact that I'll soon be a mother to a living, breathing human. It's an all-consuming thing to realise that I am going to have a family of my own. 

It's terrifying, and beautiful and painful.

And it's just beginning.