Lessons

 

Life has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and happiness and sadness. There isn't really any rhyme or reason to it.

Of course, I'd like to believe that there is a reason for everything; I used to, and sometimes still do. I've also realized that a lot of things that happen in life don't necessarily have a reason, which makes people question their beliefs and mortality, including myself.

Growing up in a unstable broken family, what is the reason for that?

Being bullied relentlessly for being different? 

Losing someone before they are really even alive?

These are questions that run through my mind a lot. If there's a reason why my life has blossomed into what it is now from the hardships I've faced. A lot of these lessons weren't easy ones, and I find myself spiraling sometimes, wondering why it had to happen to me. Making myself the victim because I don't understand why they happened. It's made me question if I'm being punished for something in another life, or some kind of karmic justice, or something that I haven't thought of. Because we as humans are always looking for a reason, for some kind of meaning.

I do know these things that have happened in my life have made me kinder, more empathetic, understanding and compassionate. They have also made it incredibly hard to open up to people and be vulnerable because I've been mocked and rejected for things that I've loved. 

There's always two sides to the coin or two sides of a story. I know a lot of the people who bullied me were projecting things onto me that I know I'll never understand. The girls who I thought were my best friends growing up turned out to not really be friends at all; they grew up in homes that were emotionally and mentally abusive. So I became an outlet for them to project it onto. 

on the other side, in my adult years, I've met some of the most beautiful, compassionate, kind, understanding and loving women that I am proud to have by my side. In some ways I think that maybe I had to endure those hard years so that I could understand who I can open up to and trust. As much pain as those years brought me. I'm able to look back now and see that I was just a kid who was lost and in pain, and unfortunately, I made the mistake of trusting the wrong people. Now I am more guarded, yes, with my heart and my vulnerability, but the people I've opened up to and allowed in are the ones that were meant to be there. 

It's not fair; I know now that I didn't deserve it. No one can ever do anything to deserve to be treated like that despite that people may say there are certainly things that make people deserve it. I don't believe there is. I believe that everyone deserves kindness, love, and compassion. In a world that is so dark and cold, we need more warmth and light. We need more community and spaces that make people feel heard, seen and loved. 

If the world had more warmth and light in it, maybe these things wouldn't happen, so I ask you, what is something that you can do or say to make someone feel better today? 

That someone could be you.

To the ones who hurt me and I've heart. I wish you peace. I wish you unconditional love and healing.  I wish you a life filled with love and community, and i hope you've grown into someone you are proud of. 💗💗