Be the change you wish to see in the world.

There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror reflecting it. ~Edith Wharton

I find myself asking myself this question over and over again lately, Why do I feel so bloody empty.

By all respects I do have a good life, a great life even. But yet I still feel so empty. 

 I had an epiphany earlier this week when I was writing morning pages in my journal. I keep wondering when someone or something is going to come and save me, make my life change so that I can become the person  I am meant to be. I feel this deep yearning in my soul to help people. To see them and hear them. But not in the day-to-day pleasantries like when you see an old friend, that generally, you don't wish to speak to, they strike up a conversation that usually goes this way. 

 " Oh my god, I haven't seen you in so long, how are you doing?" "I'm doing well, started a new job that's closer to home, you know life is well, can't complain"

 The conversations where you don't really get to the deep stuff, like how even though you started a new job you still wonder why you feel so empty, hollow even. You slowly feel like you are slipping away into those depressive tendencies. Where even getting up and brushing your hair is hard, so you put it in a bun, put on a little mascara on and pray that no one notices how deeply lonely and sad you are.  As if the makeup you wear will cover up all the tears that you've cried the night before, the foundation will hide all the pain you mask up so that you are normal to society.

 Because god forbid you aren't happily playing the game of adulthood. Working 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week 9-5 just to barely survive on ramen noodles and bread.  Why is this normal? Why is being broke, sad and defeated normal?

 Struggling with your body image, because of the societal pressure to be beautiful, so you hide away in baggy sweaters and oversized pants.

 I think this is the reason why so many of us feel alone. We feel we cannot express the deep truths. True human connection is put below the need to feel accepted and loved, so all those deep truths and fears get buried. Until you have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness that penetrates through your entire soul and being until one day it gets too much. 

"True change happens when the pain of staying the same is stronger than the pain of change." - Not really sure who wrote that quote.

How can we be the light that the world needs when it can be so overwhelmingly dark? You speak your truth's, you take the chance to be rejected, to be laughed at and ridiculed, to be asked the hard questions. Sometimes those things are too much, so you decide not to speak your truth, bottling it up until it explodes everywhere sticking like little shards of glass from a broken mirror, puncturing the skin. 

My truth is, I'm struggling. I'm really struggling, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm feeling hopeless. I feel like I'm at the cusp of real change because I cannot bear to go through another moment of this deep sadness and emptiness. I'm so close, yet so far away at real change. I'm scared to death of making those jumps, to be brave enough to admit to myself that I'm not happy. Yet here i am doing that right now, to you, the reader.

The words we say on paper and in conversation do not go unheard or unseen. They have an impact, they matter. They matter to someone out there, they resonate to a soul out there that is feeling the same struggles, this is how we build  honest company. By allowing ourselves to be honest, truthful even when it hurts.

 I challenge you, the next time someone asks you, how are you doing, answer it honestly.  Be brave in your self-expression, be your honest and truest, most beautiful self. Allow yourself to be seen and to be heard, and together we can all feel a little less alone and less empty. 

Together we can come together, to support each other, to reach our truest callings and to all be the light that the world needs in this time of darkness. Be the lighthouse, the candle, or the mirror reflecting it.  

Be the change you wish to see in the world.