One

 

Sometimes im not sure how to feel, like i can’t fully grasp the emotions that swim in my mind waiting to be felt.

Life is good, it’s a lot better than it has been in a long time, i still worry, stress and feel anxious at times and i guess that's a part of being human. But i don’t quite feel like myself in some ways.

It’s complicated, i feel like in some ways by going on medication to help my depression i let myself down because i never wanted to have to be on them. But in a way, i think that was my way of avoiding myself at my core and by finally asking for help, i set myself free.

Since the medication, I’ve started to laugh again. Truly laugh, I’ve started to feel joy, happiness and awe. I started to realize how much of life I was really missing out on, because of my fear of the what if’s and that may have been my anxiety and depression.

I’ve gotten my voice back.

 I’ve gotten me back.

And I’ve lost those parts of me, or maybe not lost, but they aren't as prominent, the fear that used to keep me up every night, because i felt like i was never going to live up to this grand purpose i thought i had when in reality, maybe my purpose is to just be here. To feel and see my friends and family grow. And to love, yes it’s definitely to love and to just experience all that is in life because once you wake up from sleeping and hiding, you realize how short it really is. Truly, a year goes by in the blink of an eye and you're standing there left thinking what did i do this year? 

And those years turn into more and more until you are at the end. And don’t you want that answer to be that you experienced life to its fullest? That you allowed yourself to feel the beautiful, and painful things that life has to offer? Because I know that’s what I want, to feel like I really lived.

And if you're not ready to ask for help yet, that’s okay. And maybe your help doesn't look like medication, and you know what? That’s okay, because everyone's path is different, and everyone has different ways of getting help. But please, don’t settle for mediocre because you are scared, don’t let yourself miss out on all the beautiful, lovely, painful, things that this life has to offer.

Because we only get one.