You aren't alone.

 The truth is, I've given up on myself. 

I've asked myself time and time again, belittled myself in the mirror, pinched my fat between my fingers wishing to be gone, or smaller. I've gotten so used to this state of sadness, and darkness that now it's my comfort. 

I push people away, and I get offended and hurt easily when I'm not thought of. But then I think why would anyone think of me?

There's a duality with me, in all ways. I'm loving and I'm angry, I'm cold but I'm nurturing. I keep on running away from things that scare me, that make me feel something uncomfortable because I'm scared. 

And I know that a lot of people can relate to that. We've all been in this state before, though our struggles may appear different. Whether it's struggling with weight, neuro divergencies or general differences we all have. I think we can all appreciate that at some point we have and maybe still do feel lost.

This is basically a diary of a chronic people pleaser. 

Always making sure everyone else is happy and feeling good and loved. I've learned this is a trauma response and a coping mechanism for feeling out of control. at least for me.

Even now writing this, as I read it to my husband and wait for his response it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not because he isn't an amazing, loving or supportive person, it's because I'm scared of rejection. And my writing is a way for me to let those i love most know what I'm feeling.

Writing has always been a safe space for me, a way for me to get out my innermost deepest and darkest feelings.  Lately, I've been having a really hard time writing. I always feel like what I'm writing doesn't matter or mean anything. My dream is to write a book- specifically a poetry book along with one that is about my life and what I've gone through. But my silly brain is always questioning why it is that i want to share those private experiences and thoughts with the world. And in a word, I can explain this. 

Connection

I want to feel connected to this life that I'm living, and I deeply want people to know that they are not alone and to know that they are safe to spread their wings and open up and that life isn't always going to be this hard. 

Opening up is so incredibly brave, and it is always incredibly hard when you've been beaten down so many times. Words can make or break someone's day, someone's life. I want to use my words to empower people, to let them know that they can get through these hard times and above all else, that they are never alone in their struggles. 

I may just be a person ranting on the internet, spewing things in a blog that, probably no one will see. But if you do happen to see this, please know that you are loved, that you are worthy and that you are never, ever alone.