Chapter 1: Welcome to the shit show that is me

Healing isn't pretty. It's not just dancing in the moonlight, realizing everything will be fine. It's tear-streaked faces, anxious chatter with strangers because you don't feel good enough, over-explaining yourself and your needs. After all, you feel like no one understands you. It hates you to the point where you question everything about what makes you, you. 

At least, that's what it's been like for me. Everyone is different; everyone heals differently. 

 It's trademarked in movies as a montage of self-care projects, bubble baths and vision boards with maybe a few moments of tears and rage-filled scenes of throwing objects, and maybe for some, it is like that, but for a lot, it's not. In reality, it's hard, painful, and the bravest thing you can do. 

One thing I've learned along my healing journey is that it's not going to happen in a short amount of time. It could take the rest of your life to heal from your experiences growing up. I've had years of self-doubt creeping around me, putting weight on my shoulders and wrinkles on my face. It's been nights of not sleeping because I was scared about a simple mistake I made at work.  Because it triggered the feeling of being unworthy. The people pleaser in me was so triggered that my body went into fight or flight. I would wake up every day exhausted, I talk about it as if it's past tense, but a lot of it still happens when I have these trigger attacks.  There are periods of my life when I just go through the motions to survive; I've gotten to the point a few times where I didn't see much of a point anymore. I'm lying if I said I still don't sometimes, but I have a purpose now, which is why I'm writing this. 

If my experiences have taught me anything about my purpose in this world, it's to speak about my troubles with my anxiety, my depression, and my mental health in general. I want you to know that you're not alone; you are never alone in your feelings. 

When I was a young teenager, I had an eating disorder. 

My old habits kick in when my anxiety is horrible like it has been the last couple of weeks. Such as not eating properly, also have a terrible time biting my nails. A sales clerk once asked me if I was hungry when she saw how short they were. I laughed even though it really hurt because she noticed. People can be very insensitive even when they are trying to be funny or make light of a situation. (I was hungry, but that's not why I bit them. )

That's a hard pill to swallow;  to see those words on the screen and know that people will read this, even if it's just one person. This has been one if not my biggest secrets.

 But if I can shed some light on this for one person, I have done my job in this lifetime. 

I was bullied a lot when between the ages of 7-15. I think part of it was because I came from a broken home.. though I can't really blame that because I don't fully know the reasons, as if there is a valid enough reason to torture someone. 

This made me feel unworthy of love, and nourishment comes with love. By starving myself, I lacked the nourishment I needed, which made me feel empty, which is what I felt I deserved. 

Seeing and feeling those words as I type them very much has me in my feels right now. I now know that was never true.

You deserve love. You deserve nourishment. You deserve the world. In no circumstances ever do you deserve to starve yourself. It's not cool. I'm not judging you if you are in this situation, but I urge you to ask for help. You are worthy of it. You deserve it no matter what your brain or any other person says. Please ask for help if you need it. 

I still struggle with eating at regular times and with eating enough. I still struggle with binge eating, not eating all day and surviving (barely) off of coffee or energy drinks to get through my work day. 

It's not healthy, and i am working on getting better. I am an all-or-nothing person when it comes to this, and I've really struggled with it. But I'm trying. I'm not giving up. So please don't give up either. Come with me on this journey, and let us build a beautiful life. 

Because we are worthy, we deserve love and true boundless joy even if we feel like our life is a shit show. 

Warm regards

T