Being vulnerable is beautiful

The sunlight is illuminating off the tree's creating subtle shadows on the sidewalk, my shadow is dancing and meeting me where I am now, saying hello and hiding when needed. Everyone has a shadow unless you are peter pan. Eventually, even he gets his back. This  shadow version of us, the rejected and damaged parts of us that we tell are not worthy or loved.

Yesterday I had a very scary episode of disassociation, the worst one I've ever had.  It started as an anxiety attack, going full-fledged into me spacing out and just sitting there as if I was lifeless. I could see the vibrations of my foot, as I sit there still. It's almost as if I was able to tap into my deeper self in a way. I read this little quote yesterday that made me realize a couple of things. 

It went like this " Perfectionism roots from your broken heart, trying to be perfect because you feel like it'll make you worthy and therefore lovable." It made me realize that I have a broken heart. I've had one for a long time, probably since the age of about 9. It also make me realize that I've gotten to comfortable in hiding. 

It's hard to heal your broken heart when you don't have the right tools, you can use glue or tape but eventually, those will wear down. You can try sewing the pieces together with colorful string, but even that can be cut down. You end up protecting  your broken heart with these walls as if placing it in a box made out of concrete, tough enough so that nothing can get in to hurt it again. The thing is when you build walls around something and close and lock the door, you cage it, you trap it inside.

 Nothing can get in yes, but nothing can come out either. The pain can't get in,  but either can the good. You feel yourself become numb, losing happiness, empathy, feeling as if you cannot express your genuine love, your authentic self. Giving away keys to the people that don't deserve them, allowing them to be the only ones to open this door to your heart, losing yourself in, piece by piece until you feel there is nothing left to take.. or give away. 

Each time someone enters your heart space you close off before you can fully let them embrace you and who you are at your core.