Shine your light
I had an anxiety attack a couple weeks ago.. It has been a very long time since I've had one, but in that moment that doesn't seem to matter. The world feels as if it's slipping away because the black ball of panic is beginning to override every single feeling and emotion in your entire being. You want to cry because you feel like it's never going to end. You want to breathe because it feels like your never going to be able to get a full breath of air into your lungs again but mostly you want to flee. After all, you feel like your entire world is crashing down. I'm still not really sure what happened to trigger it, maybe it's because of the overwhelming changes that have been happening in my life. Beautiful, world-shattering changes, that have been needing to happen in my personal world for years. Scary changes, growth, fear, anxiety-inducing changes, that have been nagging at me.
Years worth of words and emotions that I have kept hidden in my mind and heart came rushing at me as I sat in my chair shaking, tears started to form in my eyes. One question kept relaying in my mind.
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I'm not good enough to keep this wonderful job. What if I'm not good enough to keep making these changes in my life? You see this has been a question that I've repeated to myself over the years. Each time a friend pulled away from me because I was too intense, each time something didn't fit because it was big or too small each time and person left my life, I found myself curled up in a ball, collapsing repeating these same words. I'm not good enough.
When you feel these words as your truth you begin to set those limits on yourself. The way you act around others, wanting to be apart of the conversation but being afraid that you'll come across as the fool, so you stay quiet. Or when you really want to tell someone you love their bag or something they are wearing or even just how you admire them because of their strength. Your fear of rejection overrides your genuine interest and feelings, so you stay quiet.
You shrink yourself because you have been told that you are simply too much. Maybe it wasn't in words, but in the actions and reactions, others have had towards you. Like giving your best friend a hug because you loved the necklace she gave you and she pulls away and makes you feel like your too clingy, too feely.- but in reality, she has never felt genuine love and affection from another friend. Because we are made to feel that showing these reactions and expressing our feelings and excitement is wrong. As if it's weird to be able to put your emotions into the way you react. So you numb yourself out to the point that you are scared you will never feel again. That isn't the answer.
You are not too much, you are just enough. You are not too big or too small to take up space- you can take up as much space as you need and want to without shame. You are perfect as the imperfect being you were meant to be and are now. Do not deny yourself the simple pleasures in life because you are afraid. Rather do these things because they make you afraid.
Doing the things that push you past your own self limits is what makes you grow, otherwise you stay stuck. Being stuck in a cycle is the most heart breaking and painful thing you can do to yourself, because you aren't truly living. I challenge you to start speaking your truth, doing the things that make you happy regardless of the thoughts of others. As long as you are not hurting anyone live your life the way you see fit. The next time sometime asks you how you are, try answering it honestly. If you are struggling, tell them your truth,
Once you stop living your life to the standards of others and allowing yourself the healing you deserve, that is when you start to truly live.
Years worth of words and emotions that I have kept hidden in my mind and heart came rushing at me as I sat in my chair shaking, tears started to form in my eyes. One question kept relaying in my mind.
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I'm not good enough to keep this wonderful job. What if I'm not good enough to keep making these changes in my life? You see this has been a question that I've repeated to myself over the years. Each time a friend pulled away from me because I was too intense, each time something didn't fit because it was big or too small each time and person left my life, I found myself curled up in a ball, collapsing repeating these same words. I'm not good enough.
When you feel these words as your truth you begin to set those limits on yourself. The way you act around others, wanting to be apart of the conversation but being afraid that you'll come across as the fool, so you stay quiet. Or when you really want to tell someone you love their bag or something they are wearing or even just how you admire them because of their strength. Your fear of rejection overrides your genuine interest and feelings, so you stay quiet.
You shrink yourself because you have been told that you are simply too much. Maybe it wasn't in words, but in the actions and reactions, others have had towards you. Like giving your best friend a hug because you loved the necklace she gave you and she pulls away and makes you feel like your too clingy, too feely.- but in reality, she has never felt genuine love and affection from another friend. Because we are made to feel that showing these reactions and expressing our feelings and excitement is wrong. As if it's weird to be able to put your emotions into the way you react. So you numb yourself out to the point that you are scared you will never feel again. That isn't the answer.
You are not too much, you are just enough. You are not too big or too small to take up space- you can take up as much space as you need and want to without shame. You are perfect as the imperfect being you were meant to be and are now. Do not deny yourself the simple pleasures in life because you are afraid. Rather do these things because they make you afraid.
Doing the things that push you past your own self limits is what makes you grow, otherwise you stay stuck. Being stuck in a cycle is the most heart breaking and painful thing you can do to yourself, because you aren't truly living. I challenge you to start speaking your truth, doing the things that make you happy regardless of the thoughts of others. As long as you are not hurting anyone live your life the way you see fit. The next time sometime asks you how you are, try answering it honestly. If you are struggling, tell them your truth,
Once you stop living your life to the standards of others and allowing yourself the healing you deserve, that is when you start to truly live.
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