Bloom; Becoming who we are meant to be.
To paint the scene, right now I am cuddled up on the couch with my warm blanket, halfway in between being too hot, but just warm enough if that makes any sense. The sunlight is shining in on me through the curtains illuminating the green and blue of the curtains and as I write this, shows up in colourful lines of my hands. If I'm being honest, as of late I've been feeling anxious, restless, hopeless yet hopeful, faithful but yet faithless. I've been pondering on how beautiful everyday life is, yet how hopeless I feel about making my mark in this world. I've been wanting to write, wanting to express myself but also doubting myself so much that i find myself incredibly frustrated when I can't paint the picture on the canvas that is in my mind. It's very confusing to be all of these things and none of them at the same time and it makes me wonder what the point of this all is.
But then I have this moment of seeing my precious little floof ball Babe cuddled up, all stretched out on her bed reaching for the sky as she sleeps peacefully , hearing my beautiful niece giggle her sweet laugh as she watches her videos on the tablet. I start to wonder why I felt that way at all in the first place, I feel guilty for feeling so sad when I have so many things in this life I can and should be grateful for.
My mind likes to make me think that I could be somewhere better, somewhere that is mine, something that is me in a space. I just want to make an imprint on the places I go and people I meet, sometimes it feels like I don't make any difference like I don't matter, like anything in this life matters and then suddenly one of those small precious things reminds me that it does.
The point of this is that you can have a beautiful life and still feel sad, you can have sad moments while still feeling incredibly grateful for everything that is happening. You can feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time, there is no wrong emotion to feel, there is no reason to feel guilty for having a life that is worth living and still feeling like it's not enough
There is a reason why you are feeling this way, this year has been full of moments of fear, sadness, love, hope, anger, frustration and so many more that maybe you can't even describe. It's okay to feel all of these things, this pandemic has made us all feel like prisoners in our own homes and minds.
Throughout the last year and a half, my husband and I have moved 6 times, from place to place trying to figure out where our home is going to be, and we still haven't quite found it. But what we have found is; we've found each other again, we've found family again, reconnected our souls to those of people we haven't been able to in years, we've found peace and happiness while still being terrified of what the future holds.
Enjoy the present moment, enjoy your family and friends and loved ones as much as you can while still being easy on yourself for struggling. This year I've found new passions, I've been able to grow in life with yoga, with painting (even when I get frustrated with the picture and end up painting over it, than regret doing that in the morning,) I've had to let go of friendships, make boundaries, and make beautiful new friendships. Don't give up quite yet, life will paint more beautiful moments in it if you only give it the chance it needs.
In times when you are feeling buried is really the point in life where you are being planted to grow into who your meant to be.
Be kind to others, and most importantly yourself,
Love & Light
Christina
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